The Bet
by The Sketchywallflowr
Summary: Jayne and Simon doing what they do worst: getting along. Mal and Zoe doing what they do best: retaliating.
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: Joss owns them, not I. And I am not him.

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After spending thirteen (yes, count them _thirteen_) months in space, Simon Tam was just about to go stir crazy. Thirteen months and not a job in any of those months. Oh sure, there were a few unofficial jobs here and there (like the ones where Jayne and Mal went out, stole food and came scrambling back on board before someone found them, or when Kaylee would siphon gas from some Alliance hospital ship), but nothing that paid well enough for them to go to any kind of surface for long. Simon had been raised on a planet, so it stood to reason that he preferred the solid ground to the tumbling, ever changing atmosphere of deep space. He was going stir crazy, was bored beyond belief, and he was horny to boot. That last one was the kicker. He and Kaylee were now just friends. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He and Kaylee were best friends that shared a good, hardcore up against the wall session when the pressure got to be too much. But that wasn't so much an option these days, as everyone was irritable and if either he or Kaylee suggested such an act to one another, the one being suggested to would bite the head off the suggestor.

It was safe to say that despite Simon's weariness of the situation, this was taking its toll worst on his sister. Some days she would be close to catatonia, not even blinking an eye. Other days she couldn't stop talking, feeding the silence of space with her inane chatter. She and Jayne had gotten into fistfights twice already, and neither Simon nor Mal had bothered to stop them until one of them started bleeding, or until Jayne had been pinned to the floor with a knife at his throat. After all, even a fight between loved ones was still more entertaining than watching stars go by.

As Simon drummed his fingers on the table in his infirmary, an empty notebook on his lap, Jayne poked his head into the room. "Where's yer sister?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"What does it matter?" Simon asked wearily.

"Is she in here or in the nearby area?"

"What did you do?"

"Is she here, damnit!"

"No, she isn't. I think she's on the bridge."

"Good." Jayne looked back into the hallway then came into the infirmary, closing the door behind him.

"Is there something I can-"

"Shuddap a sec, would ya?" He took a seat on the operating table. "All right, yer gonna think this is a crazy idea-"

"I can only imagine."

"-but hear me out. Didn't think anyone else would be interested, what most of 'em bein women 'an all." Simon could only stare at his crewmate with a mixture of fascination and disbelief. "I was thinking…" Jayne began.

"Good for you. That's a step in the right direction."

"Shut it, doc, or I'll knock you senseless. Anyway, was thinking about how we been stuck out here for so long, with nothing to do, you know? Ain't getting no jobs or nuthin, everyone's losing their minds an' such. So I was thinking, what with us goin' stir crazy and all, was thinking I'd like to help out my fellow crew." He watched for some reaction from Simon, but didn't get one. "Well?" he demanded.

"I'm sorry, I was waiting for a punchline."

"The hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nevermind. So, how did you plan on helping? And who?"

"Cap'n and Zoe."

"Uh huh. And how are you going to help them?"

"Gonna get 'em in bed with one another."

"Ha!" Simon laughed, knocked askew from the shock. "Say again?"

"Well, you know how uptight Zoe is, 'an Cap'n ain't gotten any since… well, I ain't keepin track. Figure it'd be good for both of 'em. And give us something to do in the meantime."

"_Us_? Since when am I a part of this?"

Jayne shrugged. "Since I'm askin you to. I'm gonna need help, can't do it on my own."

"This is what you came here for?"

"Yep." He cracked a knuckle. "So, you in or what?"

"Absolutely not, and I'll even tell you why. Because one, it's immoral, two, it's weird, and three, and most importantly, it can't be done."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. There is no way Mal and Zoe would… would… not in a million years."

"I like those odds. Bet you all my next pay it _can_ be done, and I can do it."

Simon chewed it over for a moment. "Double next pay."

"How the hell can I double what I don't even got yet?"

"That's my price."

Now Jayne mulled it over. "You gonna help out?"

"Sure, I'll even help. Why not?"

"What do I get if I win?"

"Well, what do you want?"

He snorted. "Night with your sister."

"What?"

"Kiddin, kiddin, really. Don't want that moonbeam weirdo anyhow." But what _did_ he want? It had to be something good, something better than money. That would be tough. But he could think of something, and he grinned like the devil when he did. "I want a Rosco 927 XR."

"Okay, what the heck is that?"

"It's newest model rifle, available only in black market trades. Worth millions."

"Millions? How would I dig up that kind of-"

"I said it was worth millions. But again, like I said, can only be bought black market trade. If I can do it, that's what I want."

Again, Simon chewed it over. It wouldn't be possible to get Mal and Zoe together, would it? Especially not with him and Jayne in charge of it. He was terrible with romance, and Jayne was close to a Neanderthal. So what did he have to lose? "I accept," he said, and shook Jayne's powerful hand. After all, it was more entertaining than watching stars go by.


	2. Chapter 2

disclaimer: same as always.

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Simon and Jayne were hiding in Jayne's bunk, concocting what their first move should be.

"It needs to be simple," Simon was saying. "Something subtle."

"Nah," Jayne countered, "it's gotta be right in their faces."

"No, that won't work because if it's too obvious they're being set up, they'll suspect something. You know Zoe, she can smell mischief from a hundred light years away. She's like a mother."

"Or a nun," Jayne added, remembering childhood days. "Maybe you're right. Start off slow."

"Exactly. Just little things here and there, and then they won't even notice something until one day it occurs to them 'Hey, let's sleep with each other'."

"Yeah, that's good."

"But what's subtle enough? What's something they won't see coming but can't ignore?" Simon had never played matchmaker before, and it was actually a bit exciting. He hated to think what both mal and Zoe would do to them if they ever caught wind of this little experiment, but that could be worried about when it happened.

"I got it!" Jayne declared. Simon looked at him dubiously, but he held his ground. "He needs to see Zoe naked."

At first Simon made a face, but it actually made sense. "That's actually a really good idea," he said, just as surprised saying it as he had been thinking it.

"Course it is. Seein a naked woman always gets a man thinkin that way, especially when he's been dry as long as Mal has."

"No, really, Jayne, that's brilliant. It's simple, can easily be seen as a mistake, but it's not something he's likely to forget, is it?"

"No, it ain't." Jayne shuddered.

"Oh, come on. Zoe is a pretty good looking woman."

"No, I know she is. I was picturing the face she'd be makin if she knew we were even thinking about her naked."

Simon shuddered as well. It was a mighty terrible force to be reckoned with, that angry glare Zoe had stored inside her. "Okay," he continued, "the question is how?"

"Uh… that I ain't so sure of."

"Well think. When is Zoe ever naked?"

"Never when I get to see her, that's all I know."

"With good reason." He purposely avoided looking at Jayne, already knowing the menacing look he'd be getting. "In the shower is a good guess."

"How in the hell are we gonna get her out of the bathroom while she's still undressed? No matter what the emergency, she'd put something on."

Simon tapped a finger to his temple. "Not if she didn't have a choice. How good are you at picking locks?"

Jayne quirked an eyebrow. "You gotta ask?"

"Sorry. I think I may be on to something…"

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The stage was set for the first encounter, but Jayne was having a hard time following through.

"This is a set-up, right? Soon as I do this, Mal's gonna come barging in 'an throw me off the ship."

"No, he won't," Simon said impatiently. "Would you hurry up and do it already?" He was grimacing from the anticipation.

Jayne, a nice shiny scalpel in his hand, was grinning triumphantly. "Just seems too good to be true is all." Simon shot him a nasty look to which he paid no mind. With the practiced swiftness of a man for hire, Jayne brought the blade down on Simon's skin and made a quick, deep cut. It started bleeding instantly.

"Ah," Simon whimpered, never liking the look of his own blood. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his wrist. "You could have cut a little higher, you know. You may well have-"

"You asked me to cut, so I did. If you wanted it done just so, shoulda done it yourself."

He shuddered at the mere thought of doing that himself. "Get going!" he scolded, "she won't be in there forever!" As Jayne's bootfalls began to fade, Simon peaked out into the hallway. The merc was already moving up the stairs. "And don't add anything!" he hollered. Now all he had to do was wait and concentrate on not bleeding too much.

Jayne moved swiftly, years of training paying off. He smiled to himself, wondering what Dana (the man who'd taught him everything he knew) would think about Jayne using his skills on a mission like this. As he passed the bathroom door, he made a quick check to be sure the lock weren't properly hatched. It wasn't. Once on the higher deck he ducked into a crevice just behind the doorway leading up to the cockpit. Moving in perfect silence, he crouched low and loosened the walkie-talkie from his belt. Slowly, he pressed the button. "I'm in position," he mumbled.

Simon grabbed his walkie-talkie eagerly, feeling like some sort of spy on a deadly mission. Not the deadly missions Serenity was used to, but the kind he had gone on when he was a kid in his backyard with his best friend Herbert. The kind that were actually fun.

"Copy that," he told Jayne. Then he pushed the intercom button to reach the bridge. "Mal," he called into it, trying to sound as clear as he could. The speakers were shot to hell and back again.

A few seconds later, he heard the familiar crackle of response. "Yeah?"

"Can you come down to the infirmary, please?"

It took Mal a few seconds to respond (during which Simon waited on baited breath. Time was not something they had a whole lot of). "Be right there," he finally answered.

As soon as Mal's voice had cut out, Simon scurried across the room, leaning himself in the doorway. "He's moving out," he told his cohort.

But Jayne was already prepared. As Mal passed the merc by without any knowledge, Jayne hoisted himself up onto the balls of his feet, ready to sprint. Once the captain was out of sight, he made his move. Luckily, River wasn't hanging around on the bridge today. Jayne stood in front of the steering wheel, awaiting his next order.

Simon watched out of the corner of his eye, trying to not be seen to the oncoming pedestrian. He listened for any kind of movement. Unfortunately, he got some. The water from the shower snapped off, leaving the hallways in dead silence. _Damn,_ he thought to himself. _Hurry up, Mal._ The captain obliged unknowingly, his feet clocking out steps rhythmically. He rounded the corner into sight. Simon ducked back into his infirmary. 'Now!" he whispered urgently into his walkie-talkie. Then he made a beeline for the other side of the room, dumping his communication tool in the biohazard wastebasket.

Simon's voice hadn't even faded from the air when Jayne made his move. With lightning speed he jerked the ship hard to the right, then countered with equal force to the left. The he straightened her out and ran like hell.

Down in the lower deck, Mal was thrown off his feet into the bathroom door, which opened easily for him. He went stumbling in, knocking into Zoe and then shortly after the wall. The ship jerked again, and both captain and first mate flew into the hallway in a tangled, confused heap. Zoe scrambled to her feet, but Mal had already seen enough. Her slender body from years of running, fighting and ass kicking was just barely covered by the thin, white, wet towel (_Face cloth more like it, no, stop that, Mal, don't think like that_). The cloth stuck and clung on every curve in her hips, breasts, butt, and unmentionable place that Mal found himself not mentioning, but sure as hell thinking about. He and Zoe shared eye contact for one mortifying moment before she turned tail and ran back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Too much had happened in the past fifteen seconds for Mal to comprehend. Slowly, he got to his feet, brushed himself off and walked into the infirmary where Simon was sitting on the operating table bleeding.

"What happened?" Simon asked innocently. "Did we hit something?"

"I don't know," Mal said truthfully, pushing the intercom button. "River!" he barked, knowing she would already be at the helm. "What's the story?"

"Everything's fine," she told him. "Nothing broke. Serenity didn't like being pushed."

Simon froze. He'd forgotten this tiny yet crucial detail- River could read just about anything. Mal, however, saw nothing to be alarmed about. "What do you mean, pushed? We hit something?"

"No," she said simply. "Everything's fine."

Sighing, Mal turned away from the intercom. "What happened to you?" he asked, indicating Simon's arm.

"I sliced myself while sharpening my scalpel."

"That what you needed me for?"

"Yes. I need stitches and I can't stitch myself."

Mal raised an eyebrow. "And you needed _me_?"

"Well, Jayne I don't trust and Kaylee wouldn't do it, and I love River dearly but she'd probably just poke at it and try to dissect me some more."

"What about Zoe?"

"She's naked right now."

"Huh?" Mal asked, startled.

"She's in the shower. I wasn't about to go barging in on her." Simon kept his face straight, though it was killing him not to laugh at Mal's guilty expression.

"Yes, right, okay," Mal babbled uncomfortably. "All right, talk me through it. Let's get you stitched up."

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Jayne was waiting in Simon's bedroom. "So," he prodded as soon as the man walked in, "how'd it go?"

"Beautifully," Simon said proudly. "He was so uncomfortable."

"Good. How's your arm?"

"Oh, it hurts, I'll be fine."

"What did Zoe do?"

"I don't know, I couldn't see them. But I didn't hear her yelling, so I guess she didn't do much of anything."

"So… did it work?"

"It's too soon to tell." Jayne nodded. Simon nodded. Then they both burst into fits of manly giggles. "This is great," Simon declared.

"No kidding. It's like… the ultimate cure for boredom."

"You know what's best about it? I don't feel bad about it _at all_. Because you can't make people do something they don't really want to do. And if it works, well… that's just funny."

"And in the meantime, gives you something to do."

Simon pulled his bloody shirt over his head. "I haven't been this excited about covert missions since I was seven."

"I know what you mean. First time I been excited about somethin so secret where someone weren't gonna die."

Simon's laugh faded a bit. "You used to do this kind of thing all the time before you worked here, didn't you?"

"Nothing like this, no. But secret missions, yeah. Paid pretty decent. Not as well as Mal pays, which is the only- and I mean only- reason I'm on this broke ass firefly." He shook his head. "Although the way money's been coming in recently, maybe I oughta rethink my position."

"I know what you mean. What I make here is someone's sick joke of pay from what I could be making. I mean, a real sick joke."

"How much you make in one of them Alliance hospitals?"

"At least… well," he said sheepishly, "more than here."

"No, how much? Maybe I'll become a surgeon myself. I can cut people up, don't bother me none."

"It's a bit more complicated than just cutting people. You have to know where and when."

"Well, whatever. How much you get paid? Round figure."

"Well, my last offer before… before I went to get River… was around four thousand."

"A month?" Jayne cried.

"No… an hour."

The merc's jaw dropped. "Four thousand dollars _an hour_? And you ain't turned tail on us yet _why_?"

"Because I don't trust the Alliance anymore. And I'm not sure I'd be hired anyway. And River needs me, and she's doing really well here, and what would you all do here without a medic? And Mal has done too much for me to just run off on him like that."

Jayne refused to accept those as viable reasons. "Well, you better believe if someone offered me money like that I'd be outta here fast as I can."

"I'd believe it," Simon said kindly.

"Ain't got no reason to stay otherwise."

"Well, I'd be sorry you were gone." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Simon realized he'd said them. It surprised him that he meant it, too.

Jayne was staring at him strangely. "Oh, hell," he said at last, "we ain't… you know, bonding or anything right now, are we?"

"God I hope not," Simon said truthfully. "Get out of my room."

"Ass," Jayne shot back, taking his leave.

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River talked to the ship for a good half hour, getting her facts straight. When she and Serenity had exchanged enough words, she skipped through the halls on her way to find Kaylee. On her way she passed Zoe, Mal and Jayne, all of them giving her different looks. Mal gave her a mere passing glance, his mind on too many other things. At this River giggled, sharing a secret with Mal's mind. Zoe smiled wanly at the girl, because she was very strange and she made a lot of noise. Jayne scowled as usual, then went on his way.

Kaylee was, as Serenity has placed her, swinging in her hammock. Her face brightened as River entered the room. "Hi, River," Kaylee beamed. She'd been bored to tears and having company was very appreciated.

"I have a secret," River said at once, fearful it would burst from her if she wasn't careful.

"A secret? What is it, can I know?" Kaylee sat upright, willing and ready for gossip.

"Mal saw Zoe naked."

"Oh!" Kaylee gasped. This was the kind of girl perfect for gossip, because she gave the best responses you could ever hope for. "Oh, my goodness! What happened? How, why?"

"It was Jayne and Simon."

Now Kaylee went from delightfully scandalized to confused. "Simon and Jayne? What do you mean?"

"They were plotting. They want to get Mal and Zoe to have intercourse."

"Oh my goodness! They told you that?"

"No. Serenity did. Jayne made her jerk before." River paused, as though listening. "They're bored."

"They're bored? River, honey, I don't think I understand."

"Simon and Jayne plotted to make Mal see her naked. They tossed the ship. Simon cut himself. Serenity laughed. Should I?"

"Should you…"

"Laugh. She says they're harmless. They have a bet."

Kaylee, far from coherence, tried very hard to make her questions clear. "Simon and Jayne are trying to get Mal and Zoe to sleep together because they have a bet? And Serenity says it's funny?"

"Yes. Should I laugh?"

"Well, that all depends. What's the bet?"

"Simon wants money and Jayne wants a gun."

Kaylee slumped in her seat, thinking. Simon was her best friend, why hadn't he told her about this? Because she would have kicked his butt, that's why. And then she would have told Mal.

"Should I laugh?"

Slowly, ever so slowly, a sweet little smile crept over Kaylee's face. "No, River, you shouldn't laugh. Because I have a better idea."

"Help?"

"Yep. I think we should help them."

"Isn't that mean?"

"No, I don't think so. I mean, Zoe and Mal won't do nothing they don't want to, right? And besides, what-"

"-else is there to do in space." River scrunched up her face. "So… we're on their team?"

"Yep. Besides, we know more about romance than those boys do anyway."

"What will we wager?"

"Gosh," Kaylee said, "I didn't think of that. What do you want?"

"Freedom from my head."

"Oh, sweetie." She stroked River's hair soothingly.

"Simon can't. In due time, he says. Okay. Freedom from dishes. For a month."

"Why not two? One for each of them."

River giggled wildly. "Two months! No dishes!" It was a delicious thought. The way her fingers became pruney from staying in the water too long made her mind go on all sorts of tangents. Two months free of that would be lovely. "What does Kaylee want?"

"Kaylee wants a pretty new dress and a place to wear it."

"Kaylee deserves it."

"Thank you, River."

"We won't tell Mal and Zoe?"

"Nope. But let's go meet with our allies."

The allies were convened in the common room, looking mischievous. Jayne and Simon sat facing one another, knee to knee, huddled over and whispering excitedly. River sat herself on the floor right beside them. The huddle broke immediately.

"Hello, beibei," Simon said kindly.

"Want in," she told him.

"In? In what?"

"On the bet," Kaylee said, seating herself on the back of Jayne's chair.

The boys exchanged wary glances. "Bet?" Simon asked. "What bet?"

"Serenity tattled," River informed him. "About Mal and Zoe. We'll help, me and Kaylee."

"Uh-uh," Jayne said. "No way."

"Oh, all right," Kaylee said airily. "Guess I'll just have to go see Mal and Zoe and tell 'em you're-"

"Okay," Simon said quickly. "Okay. You can help."

"That's more like it. These are our terms."

"Terms?" Jayne cocked an eyebrow. "You don't get terms."

"What kind of bet is it without terms?" she asked matter-of-factly.

"Fine," he grunted. "What do you want?"

"River wants dishes for two months, and I want a pretty new dress."

"And a place to wear it," River chimed in.

"Okay," he agreed, and he and Kaylee shook on it.

"This could be better," Simon reasoned. "We'll need as much help as we can get."

Jayne smiled cockily. "You thinking this'll work?"

"I'm starting to, yes."

"Told you so."

Simon smiled at Jayne, for once enjoying the man's company. It was agreed by all of them to take a day or so to think about what the next move would be. Meeting was adjourned.


	3. Chapter 3

dosclaimer: not Joss.

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Kaylee came up with the next brilliant idea, and oh what an idea she had! She couldn't wait to get everyone together and tell them. Simon was taking forever, though, trying to get River to take a new medication he thought would calm her nerves. She was getting twitchy from all the space time and no fresh air.

"Simon?" Kaylee asked, standing in the infirmary doorway.

"In a minute," he said impatiently. "River, you know I'm just trying to-"

"Idea!" River shouted, pointing at Kaylee. "Good idea! Get Jayne!"

"Jayne!" Kaylee exclaimed, smacking herself on the forehead. "I forgot! Be right back!"

Simon looked at his sister, perplexed. "What just happened?"

"Kaylee has a plan. A brilliant plan."

Jayne and Kaylee were back in mere minutes. "This better be good," Jayne was grumbling. "I was busy."

"It is good, trust me." She was clutching a wrinkled piece of paper in her hands. Dramatically, she laid it out on the table, smoothing it carefully. It read:

TO DO:

Wash the cargo area floor (ask Jayne to do it)

Get Mal to finally fix the wires under the control panel

Throw out canned peas that have been in the cabinet since last year

Find 'Moby Dick' (check somewhere in bedroom)

Teach River how to walk, not stomp everywhere

Get this ship on the ground for at least two hours

They all read it. Jayne proclaimed "Hell no she ain't making me mop cargo!" It was in Zoe's handwriting, it was a to do list. Aside from that, no one knew what to make of it.

"I don't get it," Simon said truthfully. "How is this going to work?"

"With a little genius," she told him simply. Very carefully, she started tearing the page in tiny sections, ripping with great care. Everyone watched quietly, some more patient than others. Finally, she put the finished product on the table. It read (in a few ripped pieces):

TO DO:

Get Mal in bed for at least two hours

Jayne snorted with laughter. River looked at it, wide eyes and impressed. Simon studied it closely. "The tears don't line up," he concluded.

"That don't matter," Kaylee said, a little put off. "If you saw something like that lying around, would you be lookin to see if everything lined up perfect?"

"No," he admitted, "I'd be a little too stunned to care."

"Exactly. So, what do you think?"

"Think you're a genius," Jayne said.

"Mal will think she didn't want him to see," River said in her empty voice she used when her brain was working too hard. "Because it's torn."

"Uh huh. I saw it in the trash and when I saw she put 'Mal' and 'bed' on the same page, it gave me the idea."

"Smart, Kaylee. That was really brilliant." Simon smiled at her fondly, and she blushed. "So, when do we do this?"

"Tonight," Jayne said. "Right before dinner. So he'll be thinking about it the whole time."

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Mal was the one in charge of making dinner, much to his chagrin. He wasn't the best cook Serenity had. He knew it. Everyone else knew it. So why did they insist he do it? At the very least, he assured himself, his cooking was better than the eclectic excuse for a meal River had sprung on them a time or two. String beans, strawberry jam and spaghetti. 'Colorful' had been her word for it. 'Nauseating' had been everyone else's.

He banged the pots louder than necessary, slammed cupboard doors more forcefully than needed. He just didn't want to cook today, and to make things worse they had just lost a job in the next sector. Zoe had told him that he had made the right choice, refusing to transport illegal firearms to the outmost reaches of the outer rim. They were probably going to get caught because Alliance weapons always had some kind of tracking device, and besides Jayne would make off with several of them before they got to their destination. Zoe had patted his shoulder and said they would get by without. Even so, Mal knew her eternal patience with him was wearing thin, especially after he'd seen her in not much clothing. Now there was something he didn't want to think about anymore. Or have had dreamed about last night. Or probably would again tonight.

A piece of paper blew across Mal's feet. He bent over, scowled at it, and picked it up. "In bed" was what it said. His face scrunched up, looking around for more to it than that. He found two more paper shreds, which he also picked up. When pieced together, they read: Get Mal in bed for at least two hours. "What the hell?" he mumbled, looking around to see if anyone was waiting in the wings ready to laugh at him. No one was. Who the hell had written this thing? The writing was loopy, but easily read. His eyes suddenly widened. His jaw dropped.

It was Zoe's.

Forgetting dinner for the moment, he cleared space on the countertop and laid the paper pieces down. They didn't fit perfectly, but close enough. "Ta ma de," he moaned. "The hell am I supposed to do with this?"

"With what, sir?"

"Zoe!" he cried loudly, spinning around. He smoothed his hair nonchalantly. "Why you gotta insist on sneaking up on me all the time?"

She smirked at him, intrigued. "Whatcha got there, captain?"

"What, behind me?" he said tensely. "Oh, not much, just… well, something interesting I found."

"May I see it?"

"Pretty sure you already have, actually."

Now she was confused. "What is it?"

"It's ah… well, it's this." He stepped aside and let her investigate his findings. She read them, then looked up at him, perplexed and was that anger he saw? Oh, boy. "This yours?" he asked quietly.

"Sort of. Yes, I wrote it, but that's not what I wrote."

"Don't think I follow."

"There's more to it than this." She went over to the trashcan, picked out a few pieces of torn paper and laid them onto the counter beside the "confession". "This is what I made," she told Mal. "It's a list I threw away. And believe me, getting you in bed wasn't on it."

Mal read over the rest of the paper. He felt a little guilty he'd assumed Zoe had wanted him. Well, guilty and a bit disappointed she didn't. It had been a flattering twelve seconds. "Alright," he said once satisfied. ""But it looked real convincing, just these pieces sitting way over here."

"I'll say. Since I didn't tear this list up."

"You didn't?"

"No, I didn't. In fact, I just crumpled it and threw it in that direction, not even getting it into the basket. Figured I'd make Kaylee sweep later anyway."

"So… I think I'm not following what's going on here."

"Someone ripped it up like that on purpose. They were playing a joke on you."

"Well hell's bells," Mal declared. "Someone bested me. Don't you just know I hate that?"

"Simon and Jayne," a voice called airily from the doorway. It was River, of course, being exactly where she was most useful.

"Simon and Jayne?" Zoe repeated. "You mean, together?"

River nodded. "They have a bet."

"A bet, huh? What're the stakes?"

"Jayne bets Simon he can get you two to have intercourse. Simon is helping because he has nothing better to do."

"That so?" Mal's face was turning a dangerous shade of purple. "Settles it. I'm gonna kill 'em."

"No," Zoe said, "you won't."

"Don't tell me who I can and can't kill. If I think someone's worthy of death, you better believe I'm gonna kill 'em."

"No," she said firmly, "because I have a better idea."

"Better, eh? I dunno, my kill them idea's pretty shiny."

"In battle, when one of ours was killed, what did we do?"

"Killed 'em back!" Mal declared. "Just what I'm saying!"

"No," she said, speaking slowly for Mal's benefit, "we retaliated. We took down their unit, not just the one person."

"Okay," he agreed, though not happily. "So what's your plan?"

"We let them think they're winning. Play along with it. And turn it back on them."

Mal leaned back against the counter and folded his arms. "Okay," he nodded, "how?"

"They're trying to get us in bed. I think we can manage the same."

His jaw dropped. "You mean…"

"Yep."

"_Simon_ and _Jayne_?"

"Yep."

"On the sly?"

"Yep."

"That, that's… that's messing with their heads. That's psychological warfare, darlin."

"You saying it's too much?'

"No, no, not at all. I'm just making sure we're on the same page."

"Kaylee and I can help!" River piped up. "I can manipulate."

"Okay," Mal said easily. "Why not? Just don't tell Simon or Jayne."

"Won't tell," River promised. She ran off to find Kaylee and inform her of the good news.

Mal looked carefully at Zoe, who was smirking like the devil. "What?' he asked, smiling despite himself.

"They're going down," she told him plainly.

"You better believe it. Say, while you're here, wanna help with dinner?"

"No," she told him flatly, "but for the man I want badly enough to put on my to do list, I will."


	4. Chapter 4

disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns them, not me. Not yet.

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"Kaylee," River said sweetly, "I told Mal and Zoe."

"What? Oh, no River, why?"

"Because we are going to help."

Kaylee bit her bottom lip. "Help? I thought we _were_ helping?"

"We are. We help Simon and Jayne. Now we help Zoe and Mal."

"Help them what?"

"Help them make Simon and Jayne sly."

"What?" Kaylee giggled. "Why?"

River grinned widely. "Retaliation."

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Simon was sewing his vest lining while Jayne made comments every few minutes about what a woman he was. "Shut up," Simon said for what must have been the fourth time. "Knowing how to sew doesn't make me woman."

"Nah, it doesn't. But doing it when you have women on board who could do it for you, _that_ makes you woman."

Simon glared at him. "So what do you want?"

"Well, thought I saw something earlier you might be interested in."

"Was it Kaylee naked? Because as interesting as that is, I've seen it."

"Nah, it weren't that. Although if you can arrange a way that I can see it-"

"Get to the point, Jayne."

"I was trying to, 'till you put that image in my head." Jayne relished the image for a bit, then continued on. "But anyway, you know how we thought Zoe 'an Mal were giving each other strange looks over dinner the other night? Well, I was going down to cargo to mop the damn floor cuz Mal told me I wouldn't get paid on next job if I didn't-"

"And you need that money for me."

"Right. Well, anyway, I was on my way and I saw… least I think I saw… they hugged. I ain't never seen them make more contact than the occasional handshake."

"That _is_ weird. And good. Very good." He tied off the stitch and snipped the thread. "I really think this is going to work, Jayne."

"I told you. And then you owe me a shiny new gun."

"That's okay, you owe me pay."

"And we owe dishes and a dress to the females."

"And how." Simon held up his vest to admire his work.

Jayne snatched it away from him, inspecting closely. "This is real good. You could be a seamstress, you woman." Simon rolled his eyes.

The intercom crackled loudly. Someone's garbled voice came on loudly, incomprehensible and screeching. Finally, it settled itself out and became a human on one end of a speaker instead some jumbled mass of noise. "Simon?" It was Malcolm.

"Yes," Simon said calmly.

"Jayne in there?"

"Uh huh." He let go of the button. "Why would he know that?" he whispered loudly.

"I dunno. What does he want?"

"Why?" Simon asked the intercom.

"We're _cracklegarblenothingness_ the ship _staticannoying_ air vents."

"What?"

"_cracklestatic_ Clearing air vents. Something's wrong with the vents, we're testing them. You _incomprehensiblegarble_ Jayne stay put, vacantair locking you in."

"You're, you're what? Locking us in?"

"Huh?"

"YOU'RE LOCKING US IS?"

"Yep. Sit tight."

"No, wait, what?" He pushed the button a few times, but the air was silent. He turned around to Jayne, who looked nowhere near as worried as Simon did. "They're locking us in."

"I heard that, woman."

"Why, why are they locking us in?" The door hissed unpleasantly, the airlocks taking over. Simon pulled on it weakly, expecting nothing and getting just that. "I don't believe this."

"Calm down, for hell's sake. They're just checking the air vents. We get locked in cuz the hallways won't have no air in 'em. Something we should be doing on the ground, but we don't."

"You mean… they're going to be locking up River, too?"

"Prob'ly."

"No, that's a really, really bad idea." He pushed the button again. "Mal!"

"He ain't gonna answer. She'll be fine."

"What if she's not? What if she has an episode, what if she starts acting out and she-"

"Doc, relax! She'll be all right."

"How can I relax?"

"I can knock you out. Sound good?"

He looked back at Jayne, torn between flabbergasted and angry. Upon seeing Jayne's face, though, he settled on relieved. "No, thanks anyway, though."

"Then shut it. We only get so much air in here, and I don't wanna have to kill you to get enough." He watched Simon pace for a few seconds. "You ain't scared of small spaces, are you?"

"Not usually," Simon said nervously, which didn't ease the poor merc's mind.

Up in the bridge, Kaylee, Mal, Zoe and River sat sipping water and smiling. "You think this'll work?" Mal asked.

"Sure it will," Kaylee said brightly. "Once it gets hot in there, the clothes'll start coming off, and then-"

"Okay," he interrupted. "I don't need details."

"Yuck," River said sincerely.

"That's right," Mal agreed. "Yuck."

"It ain't yuck," Kaylee protested. "It's kinda hot, really."

River made a face. "Brother," she said curtly. "Yuck. Jayne… _yuck_."

"Thatta girl," Mal chuckled, "you stick by that."

Two and a half hours later…

"How long do they have to do this? I think we're going to suffocate."

"I dunno, I usually sleep through it but someone won't shut the hell up."

Simon sulked on his bed. "It just seems like an unnecessarily long time. It's been at least three hours." He pulled at the collar of his sticky shirt. "And it's ridiculously hot."

"Why don't you complain about it more, that seemed to be working the first two hours." Jayne pulled his damp shirt off over his head and threw it at his feet.

"What are you doing?"

Jayne gave him a look of blunt sincerity. "I'm getting naked in the hopes of taking you to bed, doc." Then he rolled his eyes. "I'm hot. You know, sometimes you really are yi guan ben dan."

"Oh, what an impressive vernacular."

"Uh, thanks?" He shifted uncomfortably. Maybe Simon was staring at him a bit too much. Whatever the vernacular was, he didn't really need compliments on it from the doctor.

"Vocabulary," Simon informed him, exasperated. Then to dumb it down more, he added "Words you say."

"I knew what it meant!" Jayne lied sorely.

"You're such a child," he marveled. "You get insulted so easily."

"Do not."

"Do so."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh suh!" They stared for a moment, then started laughing. "I'm sorry," Simon spat between chuckles. "I'm just sick of being in here."

"Really? I was enjoying it so much thought I was in a brothel."

"And it's really stuffy in here."

"So take off your shirt and stop bitchin' about it." Jayne's boots, socks and shirt were heaped by his feet in the middle of the room. He himself was semi-sprawled against the wall beside the door.

Simon hesitated for a good, long minute, the pulled his shirt over his head. The air hitting his sweaty chest felt much better than the sweat-soaked shirt had. He purred contentedly.

"Jeez, doc, you all right over there?"

"Yes," he blushed.

"You better not be enjoying this more than you should."

"I'm not."

"Good. Cuz I'm taking my pants off an' I don't need you getting all happy about it."

"Oh, _must_ you?"

"Yep." Didn't matter much. Doc had seen him in just his undershorts before. Well, once. And he had been unconscious through most of it. Now he felt a little self-conscious. Maybe he shoulda kept 'em on. Something his ma had always told him but somehow he could just never listen. Course, she had always been saying it in reference to the neighborhood girls.

"What do you suppose River's doing?" he asked to draw attention from himself.

"Well, I guess she's all right since there hasn't been any noise of destruction that I've heard."

"And sure as hell we woulda heard some." He had never noticed it, but Simon had one bitchin scar running down his left shoulder. It was kinda hard to notice since it had faded so much, but with the sweat gleaming off it, it was very obvious. "Where'd you get that?"

"Huh? Get what?"

"That scar that makes you look halfway man-like."

Simon touched his shoulder softly. "Oh, that." His tone indicated he had forgotten all about it and was pleased to have done so.

Jayne, however, couldn't be swayed. "Where'd you get it?"

"Well, uh… I had a friend. Josh. He, uh… quite literally stabbed me in the back."

"With what?"

"I don't remember," he lied. "Something sharp."

Jayne got up and grabbed Simon's shoulders, studying the scar with weird interest. The doctor sat there patiently, knowing Jayne could hold him still no matter how much he protested. It was kind of a funny pattern- not smooth, per se, but an even and relatively straight line. "Looks like a serrated army issue General's knife," he determined at last. "For the Alliance, you know."

Simon whipped around fast. "Oh my God, that's exactly it. How did you know that?"

"I know knives," he said simply, turning the doc back around. "See, this line right here," he explained, tracing said line with his finger, "is kinda jagged, so it weren't a smooth knife like a sword or that scalpel you got. But it's damn sharp, so it ain't no kitchen knife." He spread his hands across Simon's shoulder blades. "Even cut means it ain't some hack job. This guy knew what to cut and how. Was going for your lungs, actually. One deep, quick stab just forty five degrees downward, angled like so," with the appropriate tracing on the skin, "and he'd have popped your lung like a young girl's cherry."

"Charming," Simon said tersely, flinching under Jayne's surprisingly gently touch.

"So it was either a hired man or an army man, and 'till you happened on this ship you weren't gonna be dealing with hired men. And all army Generals get a serrated knife for making the ranks." He shrugged. "Simple as that."

"Okay," Simon agreed, although to what he wasn't sure. All he was thinking was that Jayne was touching him and that was weird because it wasn't in a combat manner.

"So," Jayne said, flopping himself beside Simon on the bed, "why'd he stab ya?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Alright, fine." He grabbed a pillow and stuck it behind his bed. "So, you think your sister and Kaylee are layin on a bed together mostly naked?"

"Okay," Simon said quickly, "we were friends in college." Jayne smirked, knowing that would get the conversation going. Simon turned to face him, although he looked at the floor most of the time. "Actually, no," Simon corrected himself, "we were friends before that. My mother knew his through some function or another. You know how high class mothers are."

"Nope," Jayne said plainly. "But I got a few idears."

"Well, anyway, Josh and I kept in touch, basic friendship things. And I told him about River and how I had to get her out of there. He even agreed to help me. But… I can't even remember where we were going because I never got there… we were in a car and all of a sudden he grabbed my shoulder and stabbed me. And he said something like 'I serve the Alliance before all others', and then he tossed me out into the street. I'm glad we were in a city, I probably would have died. Someone found me in the middle of the road, bleeding."

"Ta ma de." He studied Simon a bit, letting things be awkward for as long as necessary. But Jayne ain't a patient man, so the silence only held so long. "I'm surprised you're alive, doc. Man with training like that shouldn't have missed."

"I don't think he wanted to kill me. Just warn me that... I don't know, that he wasn't going to be on my side. That I was starting a losing battle."

"Well, here you are. And although crazy, here's your sis. So I guess you won."

"I guess so." It sure didn't feel like it, though. He had forgotten about that scar since he never saw it. It brought out terrible memories for him. The symbolism was just too much to take. Josh had been one of his last friends, one of the only people he could talk to. And he had been stabbed in the back. God, irony was cruel.

"You want me to get Kaylee and have her make it all better with her naked self?"

Simon smiled. He had been about to cry, much to his chagrin, but that urge had passed. "No. Your nudity is distraction enough." Oh, damn. Had that come out wrong? He looked up at Jayne, embarrassed yet hopeful he hadn't implied what he thought he just had.

Jayne was giving him a funny, puzzled, slightly disturbed look. "I told you not to enjoy it," he scolded.

Now Simon laughed, relieved. "That came out wrong, I apologize."

"You know," Jayne said, sitting up, "we been in here for three hours now, and we ain't once talked about what we're doing to Zoe and Mal."

"You're right. I didn't even think about it."

"So what's the plan?"

"Hmm…" Actually, he had thought about it some. But his idea was too vague to tell everyone. "Well," he said slowly, "I don't know how yet, but I think we need to drop hints to both of them."

"Like how?"

"Plant ideas in their heads. For instance, make sure Zoe overhears a conversation we have about Mal saying something about her. Things like that."

"Sounds fine. Does that kinda thing work?"

"Of course. If someone hears something enough, it can't possibly not affect them."

The doors whooshed open, airlock letting go and Mal bursting in the door. He stood tall and proud, smirking at his crew. "Time's up," he grinned. "What were we doing in here?"

"Nothing," Simon blushed. "We were… waiting." He made a desperate grab for his shirt and frantically pulled it on. Backward.

Jayne, however, got up casually and straight as you pleased said "Sweating to death. Can we go now?"

"You gonna… remember your pants?"

"Nah. Thought I'd let the doc sew 'em up for me, got a rip in one of the knees." He looked over his shoulder, winked at Simon and strutted out of the room, pantless and grinning like he was on top of the world.


	5. Chapter 5

disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns them, not me. Not yet.

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Zoe walked the hallways late at night sometimes. It had nothing to do with being lonely (absolutely nothing, screw you Jayne), she just did. It was comforting to oversee Serenity without the possibility of walking into River holding Jayne in a headlock or Kaylee telling her that they needed seven hundred parts for the engine or they would all fall out of the sky. The quiet was just nice. On this night, though, there wasn't as much quiet as Zoe would have hoped for. Simon, Jayne and Kaylee were teaching River (against Mal's wishes) how to shoot craps. She had picked it up really fast. As Jayne put it, she could be cheating street thugs in a week. Zoe passed the common room quietly, not wanting them to know she was there lest the invite her to corrupt the teenager.

"Do you guys want to hear something odd?" Simon asked.

"Of course," Kaylee said brightly. "I'm always up for interesting stories."

"Well, I was looking for River earlier so I checked the bridge and Mal was in there sleeping."

"That's not weird," Kaylee told him. "He does that a lot."

"That's not the weird part. As soon as I saw him and that River wasn't there I was going to leave, but he said something so I stopped. I thought he was talking to me, but then he said 'Zoe'. Well, she wasn't there and his eyes were closed so I think he was still asleep."

"I didn't know cap'n talked in his sleep."

"Well, how often are you with him when he's sleeping?"

"Good point."

"Well anyway, he kept mumbling and I couldn't understand what he was saying, but… he said "I want you' or something like that."

"Oh!" Kaylee squealed. "Oh my goodness! He said that about Zoe?"

In the hallway, Zoe rolled her eyes. _Oh please, Simon. You may fool Kaylee but you won't fool me._

"He thinks of her a lot," River said suddenly.

"Who?" Jayne grunted.

"Mal. He thinks of Zoe a lot."

"So?"

"I care," Kaylee protested. "Are you sure? You mean, he thinks of her like… _that_?" River nodded proudly. "Oh," Kaylee gasped. "Do you think he likes her?"

"Like, yes. Absolutely." The dice stumbled across the floor and bounced off Jayne's boots. "Seven."

Zoe held her breath, listening for more. This couldn't be right. River was on _her _side. She wouldn't be saying those things just so she, Zoe, could overhear them. That wouldn't make any sense. But if she wasn't just saying those things, that could only mean they were true, and that was too much for Zoe to handle right now. She felt like her head was going to explode. Could it be possible that even though Mal had laughed at the idea of the two of them together, he really held feelings for her? How gross. And yet, there was something interesting about it she couldn't ignore.

"Zoe's listening!" River whispered loudly, her voice urgent. There was a scrambling of seats and feet as everyone tried to look innocent. Zoe peeked her head around the corner.

"What are we talking about?" she asked, trying to sound cool.

"Nothing," they all chimed, except River who said "You." Jayne gave her a nasty glare.

"Well," Zoe said, not sure exactly what to say. "Okay." She continued on her way, puzzled on top of paranoid.

Everyone in the common room exchanged wary glances, letting Zoe's footfalls become silence.

"Think she bought it?" Simon asked quietly.

"Without a doubt," River said confidently.

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Kaylee decided to bother mal bright and early. "Captain," she said cheerily, "I got a question for ya."

"No," he said right away.

"But I didn't even ask."

"And I'll bet the answer's no anyway."

"Well, it isn't even a yes or no question, so there."

Mal rolled his eyes. "All right, fine. What is it then?"

"Do you think Zoe is prettier in blue or brown?"

He paused a moment. "No," he said at last.

"Come on, captain."

"What kind of question is that?"

"One I need an answer to."

"Well I don't know."

"Think about it. It's important."

"Why is it so gorram important?"

"Because," she said, becoming exasperated, "I'm making her something. I want to sew her a pretty dress, and Simon knows how to make patterns and I really want to because all she wears are pants and she should look pretty once in a while, don't you think?"

Mal sized up the mechanic. "Wait, now I've forgot the question."

"What color would make her look pretty?"

"Blue or brown? I dunno, either, I guess."

"You think she's pretty in both?"

"I… well… what is this, you trying to help out Simon and Jayne?"

"Captain, please!" Kaylee folded her arms defiantly. "All I did was ask ya a simple question. Weren't no need to get all snippety at me."

He eyed her suspiciously. "Okay then."

"So which is it? Or are ya gonna yell at me again?"

"Why can't you ask River?"

"Because River said she'd be pretty naked, like God made her."

Mal laughed uncomfortably. Well, God had certainly known what he was doing when he'd crafted the naked Zoe. Thinking about it made him blush, so he turned away from Kaylee before she could see. "Ah… well, I guess blue cuz she already wears a lot of brown. I guess."

"Yeah, you're right. I never noticed that about her before." She smiled secretly. "Thanks, captain."

"Sure." There was something in Kaylee's voice he did not care for. It was like she had a secret that she wasn't sharing with him. Mal didn't like being kept in the dark. But really, how could Kaylee not have known Zoe wore brown all the time? She always wore that leather vest, and she was a natural tones kind of person. Dark, sophisticated, simple colors were Zoe's style. And then it occurred to him that that was more than he should know about her or should ever care to know. Damnit. "Don't you have something to do?" he snapped meanly, not meaning to but his mind was reeling too fast right now.

"Uh huh. Got a dress to sew." She skipped off, smiling her secret smile. She met up with River in the corridor. "I think I did it," she gushed. "He seemed real edgy about it. But he's thinking about it, I'm sure."

"Uh huh. Deception is fun."

"Not deceivin no one, River. Manipulating. There's a difference."

"Manipulation is fun."

"You're right on there."

Simon happened by, looking troubled. "Hey, have you seen-"

"Jayne's lifting weights," River answered for him. "He's sweaty and tensed."

"Oh… kay. Thanks, River."

"You think about him a lot more than I thought you would."

He blushed deeply. "What? No I don't, what do you mean?"

"You watch him lifting weights. Up, down, up, down, muscles tense, release, contract, relax, breathe in, out, hard, sweaty work-"

"Stop it!" he pleaded. "Enough. I wasn't watching him, I was spotting him because he made me."

"Watching."

"Spotting."

"Watching."

"Spotting!"

"Watching! Watching his body move, listening to his breathing, does he always get worked up like that? Or just when you're around? Why does he call you woman, beibei? Can't handle looking at another man in a delicate, soft, loving way?"

"What? River, no, stop it! Please!" He put his hands up to his ears. "Stop."

"He's thinking about you. Where's Simon? he asks. Up, down, He should be here. Tense, relax, Bet I could bench press him. Breathe in, out, Lift him over my head. Hold him over me. Hold him under me. Hold his mouth-"

"Stop it!" he begged, running off, hands still clamped to his head.

Kaylee giggled. "Was Jayne really thinking that?"

"No. He's counting right now. But he skipped numbers eight, sixteen, forty, and fifty four."

"Well, you did a good job telling Simon-"

"All numbers are divisible by eight. Does Jayne know? Is it a code he's making, trying to confuse me but I have to break it because if he wants to hurt the ship hurt Simon hurt anybody I can't-"

"River, stop!" Kaylee grabbed the girl's shoulders. "Jayne's just a bad counter, maybe. Wouldn't be a code. I promise."

River nodded, trying to slow down her brain. "We can sew now, okay?"

"Of course we can. But no counting the stitches and trying to find out if it matches the number of cells in your body or whatever."

"It was a sign," River informed her haughtily. "My socks have forty nine thousand threads, I have forty nine thousand sixteen hairs on my head. It means something."

"Sure does," Kaylee agreed, taking the young girl under her arm. "Means you count too much."


	6. Chapter 6

disclaimer: I do not own firefly. Actually, I do. But seriously, I don't.

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Mal was slumped against the wall, sulky and pouty like a fifteen year old who wasn't getting his way. Kaylee and River seemed pleased as punch, but Mal was having none of it. Granted, it was a great idea and hilarious, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

"You ready?" Kaylee asked, smiling widely.

"I still don't get why I gotta-"

"I want to learn. I want everyone to learn. It'll be fun."

"I know how to dance."

"Then you'll be good at it, won't you?" She was determined for him to be a part of this. Not only was it a part of his scheme to get back at Simon and Jayne, but what else did they all have to do? Floating through space left many opportunities to find something interesting and unusual to do.

Simon walked in, looking a bit haggard but hid it with a forced smile. "Okay," he announced, "I'm here."

"Yay!" Kaylee clapped her hands and at once was in position before him. "I wanna dance like a lady."

"Well, what do you want to learn? Waltz, samba? Did you have something more specific in mind?"

"Any and all, please."

"Any and all please." He shrugged wearily, then placed a hand on her hip and took her hand in his.

It was going very well, and within ten minutes Simon was spinning Kaylee across the floor like a pro. She was giggling and twirling around drunkly, her eyes twinkling. As planned, Zoe brought Jayne into the cargo area and watched the spectacle from high above their heads.

"We having a party no one told me about?" Zoe called down.

Mal looked up at her. "Doc's teaching us dancing for some reason."

"You're dancing?' She arched her pretty eyebrow at him, smirking.

"Shut up, you. You gonna join us?"

"I don't think so."

"Aw, go on, Zoe," Jayne teased. "Don't you wanna put on a cupcake dress and get tossed around the dance floor by some stiff?"

"Why don't you?" she shot back.

"Zoe! Jayne!" Kaylee demanded, "Get down here and dance!"

Zoe exchanged a weird look with Jayne, who shook his head. Laughing to herself, Zoe went downstairs and stood beside the sulky Mal. "What are we learning?"

"Waltz, at the moment." He smiled at her with the corners of his mouth. "When did my ship turn into a ballroom, I'd like to know."

"When Kaylee stepped on board."

"Jayne!" Kaylee yelled, breaking away from Simon, "Come down here! I want to show you what I learned!"

"All right," he grumbled, "but I ain't gonna like it." He tromped heavily down the stairs and Kaylee wrapped his arms around her. He smiled. Well, least there were a few perks. But after only seven steps, Kaylee stopped twirling herself while Jayne stumbled around as best he cared.

"Damn!" she cursed. "I forgot what comes next."

"I'll help," River offered, grabbing the mechanic and spinning her across the floor.

"Hey!" Jayne protested, "who am I s'posed to twirl around?"

Mal grabbed Zoe around the waist and pulled her close. She gave him the most confused and possibly dangerous look she'd given someone since her late husband had told her he was thinking of regrowing the mustache again. "Didn't wanna end up with Jayne," he explained to her, and she rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Come on," he said in a deep, sexy voice, "let's tango."

"Hey!" Jayne yelled again. So what if he hadn't even wanted to dance? That wasn't the point. He didn't like being left out. "Who do I got?"

"Simon!" River yelled, and she and Kaylee giggled in each other's arms.

Simon shrugged. "No," Jayne told him flatly.

"Oh, come on, Jayne," Simon teased. "I sewed your pants, doesn't that make me woman enough to dance with?"

"Well… All right." He stood up straight, holding his arms out loosely. "I get to be the guy, right?"

"I dunno… Jayne is a girl's name, isn't it?"

"I dunno," Jayne said mockingly, "ain't Simon a dead man's name?"

"Okay, you lead," Simon agreed readily, just like they had planned. He put Jayne's hand on his lower back, put it back when Jayne pulled it away and made a face, and attempted to teach someone the waltz backwards. It was a lot harder than he had ever anticipated. Everyone else laughed at them a few times, but eventually they were all busy spinning off to wherever their partner lead them.

In the northern corner (north being a relative term, since there is no north in space), Mal and Zoe were watching over each other's shoulders at Jayne and Simon. "He's got a good grip on that doctor," Mal was whispering. "You think they even needed our help?"

"I don't know. Look at them go, though. Simon's good, I don't care what the reason. If he can teach Jayne, he can teach a monkey."

"Same thing," Mal told her, moving his hand a bit lower on her back. She looked up at him, startled. This was the first time their eyes had really met since he'd seen her naked. She noticed his face was older, a lot older than it should look. He was still handsome, though. He was quite handsome despite everything he'd been through. Their bodies moved fluidly together, their eyes locked, their arms tight around one another. It was beautiful.

So much, in fact, River stopped Kaylee and stared at them, surprised. "Look," she whispered. Kaylee did, and smiled fondly, pushing River back into motion. "Not polite to stare," she told her.

Meanwhile, on the south side (again, being in space) Jayne and Simon were doing a lot better than Simon had expected. "This is almost amazing," Simon marveled. "I can't believe how… _graceful_ you are."

Jayne, however, just shrugged. "Been doing this since I was a kid."

"Wait, are you serious?"

"Sure. My ma liked it, and she had no one else to do it with since my pa was usually working. So, I learned." He smiled proudly at Simon's stunned face. "What, Neanderthals can't dance?"

"Well, it's just-"

"Can tango if you like."

"Are you _serious_?"

"Find out sometime." With a strong flick of his wrist, he flung Simon out onto the floor, then twirled him back in and threw him back into a low, perfect dip. As poor Simon caught his bearings, Jayne smirked cockily. Simon's breath caught, Jayne's breath caressing his cheek softly. They looked at one another steadily. "Think this plan's working," Jayne said at last, nodding his head toward the other side of the room. His eyes never left Simon's.

Simon leaned his head back, and although upside down from his point of view, he could clearly see Mal and Zoe looking at one another with some discovered interest.

Jayne pulled the doctor upright, holding him close for a few seconds. "If we're all done here," he said coyly, and strutted off to his room.

Simon touched his forehead, trying to focus himself. What had just happened? He had been dancing, or something, and then… he hadn't been. Had he? There had been too much spinning, he was dizzy.

"That was amazing," Kaylee gushed, and just now he realized she was standing behind him, River in tow. "You must be a real good teacher if even Jayne could make it look so easy."

"Yeah," Simon agreed, although to what he forgot. "Look at Mal and Zoe, though. This was a great idea, Kaylee." Yes, it had been a great idea. He felt really nice, so it must have been a damn good idea.

As soon and Simon had left the cargo area, Mal and Zoe approached their fellow schemers. "You see that?" Mal asked excitedly. "I didn't really think this was possible, but… I'm starting to."

"Yeah," Zoe agreed. "Kaylee, this was a great idea." She and Mal walked off together, heading toward the kitchen for dinner preparation.

Kaylee grinned at River, and River grinned right back.


	7. Chapter 7

disclaimer: same as always

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Jayne kicked his bedroom wall angrily. "Find out sometime?" he cursed himself. "What in the hell'd you mean by that?" There was no sense talking to Simon like that, because Simon wasn't some girl he wanted to get into bed. Simon was the doctor, a crewmate and until recently hadn't even been considered a friend. "You been out here in the stars too long," Jayne told himself. "Not only are you making weird moves on the doc, but you're talking to yourself."

Mal knocked on Jayne's door. "Food," he called down pleasantly.

"Ain't hungry!" Jayne snapped, as he was told to. Well, he was told by River to say he wasn't hungry for dinner, but the attitude had been his own addition. He was just too ponderous with himself to be pleasant right now.

"Okay," Mal said indifferently, "fine." He walked on, not even curious as to what was up Jayne's behind. His next stop was the engine room, where Kaylee and River were sewing in secret. "Dinner," he told them.

"Oh, maybe later," Kaylee smiled. "We're trying to finish this piece but we're having trouble."

"Fourteen thousand, nine hundred seventy three stitches," River informed him, her eyes wide and impressed. "I can't grasp the connection. I've counted too far."

"See, that's your first mistake," Mal told her, giving her a fishy eye. He could never quite understand that girl no matter how much he told himself to just 'let it go'. "You know where the doc is?"

"No," Kaylee said, concentrating on her stitches.

"Simon's-" River clamped her hand over her own mouth. "I got it," she declared. "Simon has taken fourteen thousand, nine hundred seventy three steps in so many hours!"

"Ah…" Mal hummed, "simple 'I don't know' will do next time, okay girl?" She nodded eagerly and grabbed a needle, making perfect stitches almost twice as fast as Kaylee. As he turned to go, the lights cut off across the ship. "What the hell?" he asked the ceiling. "Kaylee…"

"That's a circuit problem," she told him. "Not the engine. Can't fix it from here."

"Gorramit," he cussed. Walking carefully, he maneuvered his way to the bridge where the control panel lay open with wires hanging out. Nothing amiss so far. There was faint enough light from the stars outside so he could see that he couldn't see what the problem was. River popped up behind him.

"Disconnected," she told him. "Space rats."

"Space rats? Ain't got no rats on this ship I don't pay wages to." He studied the dark wires shooting here and there. Sure, he could figure them out if he wanted. But he was too damn hungry to worry about it right now.

"I can do it," River offered.

"What about your dress thing?"

She gave him a petulant look which, surprisingly, he could see real well in the dark. "Can't sew with no light," she informed him.

"Well… okay. Just don't set nothing on fire. That includes you, understand?"

"Understand." Her fingers worked nimbly through the complex network of wires, a rainbow of confusion and electricity. "Least the air's still on."

"Always a plus," he agreed. Well, he decided, if it was gonna be dark then he wasn't going to bother finding Simon. He was just gonna go eat. In the dark.

Zoe was waiting for him in the kitchen. There were two long, thick white candles places in the center of the table. They made a lovely glow over the room.

"Shiny," Mal said, inspecting them with a smile. "Real romantic. Got a date you ain't telling me about?"

"No," she said, spooning whatever there was to eat onto her plate. "Was like that when I got here."

"I see."

"And notice there are only two plates out."

"Convenient, since there's just two of us here."

"Exactly. Candlelit dinner for two. See what I mean?"

"Starting to." He glanced around to see if anyone was watching him, but he couldn't tell because it was too damn dark. All he could see was Zoe's face illuminated by the candles. It was a light that suited her. He stood close to her, close enough to whisper in her ear. "So what do we make of this?" he asked softly.

She shrugged. "Let them think they're winning. I'm sure someone's nearby listening in."

"Thank God," Mal said, a bit loudly. "Just us."

"Mmm hmm."

"I gotta admit, you're one hell of a dancer."

"Damn right I am." She smiled at him, playing along and genuinely enjoying herself. "You should see me dance on my back."

"Now how in the…" He caught on, just a moment too late. When he did, he blushed and stammered. "Ah, I see." He hadn't been expecting that. Apparently Zoe was enjoying his moment of stupid because she was smiling like all hell. Mal sat down quickly. Okay, this was a game. He could play, right? No problem. It'd be like playing with Jayne, only less disturbing. Much less disturbing.

Zoe sat beside him. "Looks good," she said. "Almost as good as the man who made it."

"You're killing me here, Zoe. You know that?"

"That's the plan."

They ate in a comfortable silence, only talking every once in a while to say something coy or make a sweet joke they both laughed to. After a while, Zoe forgot they were playing it up for whoever was listening and just enjoyed herself. She hadn't been talked to like this since she and Wash had started dating which was forever and a life ago.

"Now that was a damn good meal," Mal declared. "Probably because no one else was here to spoil it. Food was good, the sights was good… best meal I've had in a long time." He stood up, taking Zoe's empty plate with him.

"No, let me do dishes. You cooked."

"Nah, it's all right. I don't mind." He dropped them in the sink. "Done. Make Jayne do 'em at breakfast tomorrow."

"Clever." She smiled at him, a soft and genuine smile. Mal felt his head get lighter. Maybe River had been wrong, maybe the air had gone off. He was starting to feel a weird giddiness he'd never felt before. "So," Zoe said lightly, "any plans now?"

"None I can think of. Unless you plan on showing me how you dance."

Zoe was stunned for a brief second. That had been damn direct, one thing Mal had never been when it came to this stuff was direct. Now it was hard to tell if he was joking or not. "Hell," she said coyly, "you think after one dinner you can get me to dance for you?"

He shrugged. "Was worth a shot, anyway." His ears caught a small noise over by the doorway. Someone was there, watching them. His smile grew wider and he noticed Zoe had heard it too. "So what does dinner buy me?" he asked.

"Not dancing, that's for damn sure."

"How about…" He placed his hands gently on her hips, pulled her close and kissed her.

Zoe pushed him away instantly, stunned. Was this crossing the line between playing and real? More importantly, did it matter? "Mal," she stammered, trying to find something to say. "What if someone comes in?" There, that was plausible.

"I don't care," he said, drinking in the dizziness in his head. "Let 'em see." He kissed her again. This time she didn't pull away, but didn't exactly reciprocate. She wasn't sure she could.

Mal released her after a moment, all too aware (too late again) he'd probably just done something real stupid. After looking into her eyes, it was confirmed. "Lights," he said simply, and walked off before another word could be uttered between them.


	8. Chapter 8

disclaimer: Joss owns them.

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Wash did not like the way things were developing, and he complained about it as often as necessary. "I don't like this," he'd say. "She's my wife." And while he knew very well that Zoe wasn't his wife anymore ('till death do us part, yes, I get it), it didn't make him like it any more.

Hoban Washburn was an angel sent to watch over Serenity and make sure everything went smoothly. If someone were going to die, it was his job to prevent it. It was damn lonely work and thankless to boot. No one could see him even though he took up a lot of room (his usual height and then a fifteen foot wingspan on top of that. One thing he liked about the angel business were the killer wings that accompanied it.). Most of the time the crew just walked right through him, which stung a bit but he was used to it by now. He swore sometimes River looked right at him, her eyes wide and disbelieving. He'd wave at her and she'd scream or gasp or some such reaction, then blink a few times and continue on her way.

The point was, though, Wash did not like the way things were progressing. He'd always been worried about Zoe and Mal and everyone told him that it was all in his head, he was overreacting. A man and a woman could be friends with nothing between them. Well apparently they could not and he had been right all along in worrying. He didn't blame Zoe. He didn't even blame Mal most of the time. But it wasn't right just the same. There was nothing he could do about it, so he consoled himself in the delight that Simon and Jayne were seriously screwed and apparently easily manipulated. It was God that had put him on the ship to be watch dog, and sometimes God divulged secrets about people to him and sometimes she (yes, she) did not. As to whether or not Simon and Jayne were sly for one another, this was a fact she did not divulge. She only smiled coyly at Wash and told him "You'll see." He wasn't impressed. That was the same answer she'd given him when he'd asked if Zoe and Mal were going to be together.

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If there was one policy Mal and Zoe had down pat, it was ignore the problem until it went away. And with two people ignoring things, problems disappear twice as fast. Damn convenient.

It took nearly two weeks for either party to make any plans on how to further along their bets. Everyone needed time to recuperate from the shock of the dancing fiasco. Simon and Jayne still hung out. It was more like Jayne lifted weights and made Simon spot him (which was stupid, according to Simon, because with the weight Jayne lifted there was no way Simon could save him if he dropped the dumbbell). Zoe and Mal spent most of their time together on the bridge trying to get work. But there was an awkwardness among everyone that needed to be aired for a while before anything could be normal again.

River was caught one morning trying to plant coffee beans in the floor of the common room. Mal came up behind Simon, who was standing in the doorway taking up space.

"What's up, doc?" he asked, concerned. Simon waved his hand at his sister on the floor. Mal watched her for a moment. "What's she doing?" he asked finally.

"Planting," Simon explained, as if that explained anything.

"Planting? My coffee? In the floor?"

"Need dirt," River told him, scratching gently on the cold steel. She couldn't seem to understand that it wouldn't peel back like she hoped. "Need water. Need stability."

"I'll say," Mal said under his breath in regards to her need of stability.

"Need ground," she said, louder. "Need dirt."

"I think she needs to land," Simon translated.

"What for?"

"Too much space. Too much motion, too much sky. Too much blackness." Now her small fists pounded the coffee beans into choppy grounds. "Too," _pound_ "much," _pound _"space!" She gave one final pound, then bent at the waist and touched her face to the cool floor. "Too much space. The blackness consumes her heart."

"I think she needs to land," Simon said again. His tone never changed.

"River needs land," she told them both. She wasn't hysterical, not yet. She was damn depressed. She had long passed anxiousness and claustrophobia and was well on her way to apathetic defeat. "She hates the space."

"You're in luck," Mal told her, watching her with puzzled eyes. He would never understand her. "Serenity needs to be inspected, and a friend of mine is willing to look her over. And we're stopping tomorrow night, if all goes well."

"Inspected?" Simon asked. "I thought the point of a firefly-"

"This ain't an Alliance inspection, doc. Consider it more of… a procurement of needed parts determined by a professional of questionable practice."

"So a black market tradesman is going to see if he has stolen parts you need?"

"You catch on well, boy. I oughta pay you more." He patted Simon's shoulder, stepped over the pilot and continued on his merry way.

"More pay would indicate that you actually pay me," Simon called to the captain's back.

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Simon and Jayne were likely to freeze to death. They were hugging themselves tightly in a small two man tent of the thinnest canvas known to man with winds below zero blowing outside.

Okay, backtrack: As planned, Serenity made it to a small planet called Kannosha thirty hours after Mal had informed Simon they'd be landing. As soon as the door had opened, River ran out and spread herself onto the hot sand. She purred contentedly for five minutes. It could have been muddy marshland and she would have loved it. As long as it wasn't space. The crew as invited to dinner, which they all readily accepted. Then after dinner Mal and his black market friend made arrangements on where they would meet for inspection. The meeting place was an abandoned garbage dump (how appropriate) and the time was two in the morning. Only Mal was to come, and no one else could be on board during inspection. So, the question was raised, where would they all go? With a sick smile, Mal informed them they'd be taking a nice camping trip. Into the desert. Kaylee didn't like that someone else would be tinkering with her ship. Zoe didn't like being left out of something so important. Jayne didn't like being left out period. Simon didn't like that he'd be stuck out in the damn desert in the middle of the damn night where it could easily go to fifty below zero. River was the only one who didn't complain because she was twirling around in the sand.

Here they were now, the girls in one tent and the boys in the other. The girls had all cuddled together like sisters (Kaylee in the middle because River sometimes kicked and Zoe, if awoken suddenly by a combat move, would most likely strangle her) and they had fallen asleep hours ago under their pile of five enormous blankets. Jayne and Simon, however, had two thick sleeping bags that in almost any other climate would have been delightfully warm. Here, however, they may as well have been using tissue paper.

"I'm freezing," Simon muttered to himself. He was telling himself because he'd already told Jayne ten times and he had a feeling the merc was going to kill him soon.

"Really? I'm fine over here."

"Really?"

"No!" He punched behind him aimlessly, and hit Simon's thigh. Their backs were to each other but they'd punched one another several times and continued talking so none of it made sense at all. "I hate Mal right this here second. Think I'd shoot him if he came walking in."

"Wh-what if he was here to tell us to come inside?"

"Then I might just hug him." Jayne tugged on the sleeve of his thermal shirt to make it cover more. "How'd the women fall asleep so fast?"

"They're all under w-one s-s-set of blankets." His teeth were chattering despite the effort he was putting into making them stop.

"You weren't made for outdoors," Jayne commented innocently.

"No kidding. What gave it away?"

"For one, you ain't shut up yet. Two, you ain't in enough layers."

Simon rolled over, wishing he hadn't because his old spot had been warmer but too indignant not to. "You've got on two layers!" he scolded.

"I know what I can take. You don't. What, you got a sweater?"

"And long sleeves under it."

Jayne shrugged. "Guess that weren't enough."

"Oh, hell," Simon moaned, turning back over. "I can't wait for this night to be over." He curled his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly. No matter what he did, there wasn't enough body heat in him to keep warm. His muscles were starting to ache from shivering so much.

Jayne pulled up his sleeping bag. He'd been giving Simon a hard time, but only because he was having a hard time coping too. He'd been in some seriously tough weather, but this was ridiculous. The wind didn't seem to want to stop. His shaking fingers clutched the edge of his sleeping bag tightly. Neither of them would get to sleep at this rate, and if they did there was a good chance they wouldn't be waking up again. "Doc," he said finally, just managing to keep the stammer from his voice.

"What?" Simon asked irritably. He was cold and exhausted and impatient.

"We're moving. Unzip your sleeping bag."

"Moving? Are you kidding me? Where the hell would we go, the sand dune ten feet away?"

"Just do it and shut your damn trap or I'll shut it for you." He was already out of his warm cocoon and regretting it, so no smart talk from the doctor was going to help. The tent was quiet save the sound of cold fingers pulling on colder zippers.

"Okay," Simon announced. "Now what?" Jayne grabbed his bag from him and laid it out on the ground, shoving the doctor towards the doorway. Simon stumbled over and frowned deeply. Next, Jayne laid his own sleeping bag on top and made a big, comfy looking bag for two.

"Get in," he commanded. "And get undressed."

Simon didn't get in or undress, but stared at the merc as thought his head had just tumbled off. "P-pardon?" he managed to stutter.

"Don't make me tell you twice." He was already inside the bag and pulling off his shirts. After slipping off his boots and wool pants and tossing them next to Simon, he looked at the doctor irritably. "Now!" he barked.

"I, I, I, I don't follow. Wh-why am I-"

"Basic training, not that you'd know nothing about it, doc. If your back stabbing friend were here, he could tell you all privates get dropped off in some godforsaken place and are left to survive in pairs of two." Simon continued to stare at him. Jayne rolled his eyes. "Best way to generate body heat. You wanna sleep anytime tonight and wake up tomorrow, get your ass in here."

Still, Simon didn't move. "You were in the army?"

"No," Jayne sneered, just a touch offended. "I said basic training. Lots of jobs need training, doc."

"But I don't see how me getting naked next to you-"

"Fine," Jayne snapped. "You stay out there and freeze your balls off cuz you can't deal with a little weirdness for one damn night." He pulled the blankets up to his chin and closed his eyes spitefully.

Simon had to think it over for only a little while. The chill beside the tent flap was a lot worse than when he was in the sleeping bag. And it was only one night. And he'd been through a lot more traumatic things than being naked next to Jayne. So shivering and with great disdain, he slipped between the already warm sheets. Jayne moved over a bit for him, his eyes still closed. Sleeping next to a naked man was one thing. Watching him undress was another.

Finally undressed and hella uncomfortable, Simon returned to his fetal position of earlier. He had to admit despite himself, this was a lot better. His muscles could finally relax some as the heat between them warmed the sleeping bags. It was by no means warm, but considerably less cold. Still, he was chilly and sleep would be a long ways away.

As though reading his thoughts, Jayne rolled on his side and wrapped a powerful (and warm, oh sweet warmth) arm around Simon's chest. He melted and went rigid all at once. "Uh…" he mumbled uncomfortably.

"Oh, shut _up_," Jayne groaned in his ear. "Stop talking about it and just… sleep."

So Simon did shut up and tried to sleep. It wasn't easy, though. He could distinctly feel Jayne's stomach pressed against his lower back, and he could only guess what that was beneath it. He felt very warm in several unfamiliar ways. Well, to say they were unfamiliar would be a lie. To say they were unexpected would be truth. There was a burning in his lower belly he really wished would go away.

Behind him, Jayne sighed in his sleep and nuzzled the back of Simon's neck. It sent a cold chill up his spine. "Jayne?" he whispered. _Oh, God,_ he thought. _Jayne is a girl's name and whispering it like that sounded so much like pillow talk. _

"Hmm?" Jayne responded a few seconds later, obviously on the border of asleep and awake.

"Just… I…well…"

"What?" he grumbled sleepily.

"Just… um… d-don't kiss me in your sleep, okay?"

"Mmhmm." He shifted a bit, pressing himself closer unknowingly. "Can I choke you?"

"What?"

"Cuz you keep keepin' me awake. Can I choke you to death?"

"Oh, sorry. Sorry, I'll shut up now."

"Hallelujah, there is a God." But he was asleep again in seconds. One thing to be said about Jayne, he could be both awake and asleep in a matter of milliseconds. Slowly, peacefully, Simon drifted to sleep as well.

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"Doc?"

Someone was talking to him from far off. He was too comfortable, too warm and sleepy to bother responding.

"Doc."

The pale light of slumber shook itself from his eyes. He would have to get up, he knew that. But his muscles wouldn't move yet.

"Simon!"

His eyes snapped awake, all comfort replaced by confusion. "Huh?" he mumbled, his voice raspy.

"Get off my damn arm."

He adjusted his sight to his surroundings. Jayne was looking down at him sternly. He was lying on his stomach, sprawled halfway over the merc's body. Surprised and ashamed, he sat up hurriedly. His face flushed seven shades of crimson. "Sorry," he whispered, too mortified for words.

Jayne shook his arm to get blood flowing again. "You're not as light as you look," he informed the doctor indifferently. Truthfully, he felt just about as unsettled as Simon looked. Had been the strangest night. Not the first time he'd spent the night lying beside a nude man, but sure was the first time he'd gone to sleep spooning with and woken up embracing one. All manner of weird.

The ten flap zipped open and Kaylee poked her head in. "Morning," she said cheerily. "Sleep well?"

Both Simon and Jayne pulled the blankets up to their chins. They pulled in opposite directions, though, so Kaylee got to see some exposed skin. She giggled. "Cap'n's waiting in the jeep," she informed them, and closed the flap as she left.

"Oh, God," Simon moaned. "I can't believe she saw that."

"She didn't seem to notice," Jayne said stupidly. Simon stared at him blankly. "Well, maybe she didn't!" he protested.

"Last night, _this_, none of it ever happened. Let's repress this memory as far as it will go."

"Fine," Jayne snarled, pulling on his clothing as discreetly as he could. "Like you'd be my first choice goin' sly anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Jayne scoffed, struggling with his shirt over his head. "I wouldn't pick you as my number one choice. Please."

Simon buttoned his shirt, contemplating. "Why not?" he asked finally.

"Oh, we ain't having this discussion."

"Forget it, never mind. I'm sorry."

"_That's_ why!" Jayne declared. "You got no backbone whatsoever, you're a damn woman."

"Well… I mean… Wouldn't that make the transition easier?"

"What is this, a proposal?"

"No, no!" he added hurriedly. "No, it's not that. I just thought-"

"That's another thing. You think too damn much." He plopped onto the ground and yanked a boot on. "You never do nothing, you just think it to death. _To death_. And when you finally do something, it's like it's already been done cuz you thought about it too much."

"Since when did thinking become a bad thing?" Simon wanted to know. "What's wrong with being smart? Coming from an idiot I can understand the frustration, but you'd think you'd want someone who could counter balance your ignorance."

Jayne towered over Simon menacingly. "You wanna eat those words for breakfast, doc?"

"No, no, let's just drop it. I'm sorry." He looked at the floor and waited for Jayne to step away. The merc shook his head and gathered up the sleeping bags.

"Gorram woman," he grumbled, stepping out into the desert.

"Ignorant ass," Simon mumbled to himself, pulling his sweater over his head.

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Author's note: To fully understand the interaction between Wash and God, you would have to read A Class Act. Or at the very least, the last chapter to A Class Act.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Fanfiction is a close second. All hail Joss.

* * *

The inspection, as Mal had called it, went swimmingly well. Serenity had a few new parts she had desperately needed and was ready to fly again.

"We ready to go, Zoe?" Mal asked.

"All are accounted for, if that's what you mean."

"Any last stops?"

"Goodbye, land," River cried dramatically as Simon lead her on board. "Parting is such sweet sorrow."

"No," Zoe said to Mal, picking up right where they'd left off before River's crazy interlude. "Seems we're all set to shake dust."

"Great." They looked at one another awkwardly, then Zoe broke eye contact and went on board. Mal cursed himself quietly. It had been just like this since, well, since he knew when and didn't want to say it. It was awkward and unpleasant, and even though they were ignoring it like professionals it still didn't sit right with him. He hated it when his crew didn't get along. They were like his family. But nothing could be done about it now. His inspector friend had told him he'd best be gone from the planet by sunup, and the tiny sun was peaking its nosy head over a dune.

* * *

Zoe had dreamt about Mal for the past two nights. Her mind replayed his kiss over and over, the way it had replayed her husband's death. She didn't connect the two right away, and when she did it made her feel sick and guilty. She'd always told Wash that he had nothing to worry about with her and Mal. It had been so stupid how jealous he was about it. There never was, never would be anything between them.

Never say never. Mal's face haunted her dreams, his lips brushed hers in countless daydreams. In her steamy showers she felt his embrace around her body as the water poured over her curves. It was delicious and scathing. Maybe… her mind had crossed into dangerous territory. Maybe she should do something about it. It had been long enough since Wash's death. She would never get over it, not truly. But she could let it go enough to want to be happy again. And she knew if Wash looked deep inside himself, he would want her to be happy.

From his standpoint Wash scoffed at this. Of course he wanted her to be happy- just preferably not with Mal. But he was dead and she was alive. She had blood running in her veins- from the amount of time she spent thinking about Mal's touch, that was obvious. So Wash begrudgingly admitted to himself that he did want her to be happy, no matter with who. He would have even (eventually) conceded to Jayne.

"Zoe?" Kaylee's perky voice snapped the woman out of her semidazed state. She sat up in her seat.

"Yes?" She tried her best not to look startled, but she was startled so it couldn't be helped.

"I made you something. Me and River did." She proudly held up a formless shape of blue fabric.

"For me?" Zoe reached out and took the cloth, puzzled. Kaylee had made her a curtain? When she touched it, the fabric felt smoother than it rightfully should have been. It couldn't be silk, could it? _Could it? _Sure felt nice. She touched it delicately, and found it wasn't a curtain but a dress. It flowed and billowed beautifully. It was a thin material, but light and airy and stunning. It reminded her of the ridiculous getups Inara would wear. Ridiculous, she told everyone, but secretly wished she could look half as beautiful as the companion had. "Thank you, Kaylee," she said, feeling those words were not enough. But she had nothing better.

"Try it on."

"Now? Why?" She caught the hurt look in Kaylee's bright eyes. "I mean, why'd you do this?"

"So you can feel pretty." The mechanic smiled sweetly, and Zoe copied it. She couldn't help it. Kaylee was just so bright eyed and dreamy sometimes, it was truly endearing.

"Okay, I will." She took the dress carefully in her arms and retreated to her quarters. Maybe she would just slip it on for a second, just to see how it looked. From what she could see, there wasn't much to this thing. The material was nice but the shape of it seemed a bit blasé for her tastes.

Oh my, but she was so wrong.

It fit her beautifully. More than beautifully. She twirled in her mirror several times, unsure this was actually her reflection looking back in amazed wonder. The dress had the perfect amount of slink, twirl and hug that every dress should. The last dress that'd made her feel so regal was her wedding dress.

Kaylee was waiting patiently outside Zoe's door. "Oh, wow!" she beamed upon seeing her creation. "Zoe! You look pretty as can be."

"It's lovely," she blushed. She wasn't used to this kind of attention. Zoe had always been the practical one, so people didn't usually gush over her looks. Mostly they stared in fascinated horror as she beat the living hell out of something. It was nice to feel pretty again.

"I'm showing you off," Kaylee declared, and grabbed Zoe's hand before she could protest. What she didn't know was Zoe was not going to protest because she, too, wanted to be seen. This dress was heaven all stitched up.

Jayne had a better reaction that Kaylee ever could have hoped for. "Whoa," he said simply, staring without shame. Zoe gave him a dirty look he ignored.

"Isn't she beautiful?" Kaylee gushed. "I made the dress, but she fills it wonderfully."

"Damn," Jayne replied.

"I agree," Simon piped up, having just entered the conversation. "Zoe, you look amazing. Beautiful. You look like a real woman."

Kaylee shot him a nasty glare, and Zoe laughed. This was a patented Simon foot-in-the-mouth moment, and she was prepared to let him off easy. "As opposed to that fake woman I look like every other day, right?"

Simon realized what he'd said, stammered a bit and stared at the floor. "What I mean, is, uh, that you-"

"Thank you, Simon," she cut in. "I know what you meant." She decided it was time to get out of here. There was only so much compliment she could handle before it became too much.

River was hanging from a bar on the ceiling. "Perfect," she said, her hair making a curtain Zoe ducked beneath to get back to her room.

"Will you get down from there?" she said impatiently. "You're going to fall and-"

"Scramble your brain," River said mockingly. "Captain hasn't seen."

"You're right," Kaylee agreed, dragging Zoe (now against her will) toward the bridge. "Mal's gotta see it too."

"He doesn't care-"

"He helped pick it out."

Zoe gave pause. "He did?"

"Uh huh. Said you looked prettiest in blue."

"Did he?" Zoe knitted her brow, thinking. Since when did Mal think about what colors suited her? _Since when does Mal kiss you? _

Kaylee grinned widely. Well, he had said blue would look nice on her, so technically it hadn't been a lie. She pushed Zoe ahead of her into the room and introduced her like one would a queen. "Captain," she said grandly, "look at Zoe."

Mal spun around, not really interested but willing to humor. His jaw dropped, only unlike Jayne he had the sense and decency to close it quickly. Zoe was watching the ceiling, waiting patiently for the presentation to be over with. "Very nice," Mal said finally. "Nice work, Kaylee."

"Is that all?" she asked, exasperated. "Nice work? Don't she look like a dream?"

"She looks fine."

"Fine?" Kaylee scowled deeply. "She doesn't look fine, she looks perfect."

"Okay, she looks perfect."

"Mal!" she scolded.

"He's afraid of saying too much," River told her, her voice not trying to be secretive. "Captain won't let it slip."

"Enough outta you," Mal said sternly.

"Isn't she beautiful?" Kaylee begged.

Mal rubbed his eyes. "Yes," he admitted finally. "She is beautiful." There was something in Mal's voice that made Zoe pay closer attention. "Can I go back to running a ship now? Is the beauty contest over?"

"Was just proud of it was all," Kaylee said sorely, hanging her head.

Mal rolled his eyes, feeling embarrassed and guilty even though he knew Kaylee was playing him like a cheap fiddle. "It's beautiful," Mal said softly. "You did a great job, Kaylee. Looks perfect on her."

"You mean it?"

"Course I do. She's like… a rare butterfly caught on my ship." He smiled wanly at Zoe. "Can open the airlock and let you out, if you like."

"Think I'll just fly myself off to my room, go change," she told him. His eyes were telling her something but she couldn't catch it.

Kaylee took River with her as she left, smiling the secret smile of a woman. "Perfect," she whispered.

"Jayne will be easier," River told her. "Jayne has no use for butterflies."

* * *

Simon looked over his shoulder into the mirror behind him. He'd been thinking a lot about his scar lately, since Jayne had pointed it out to him. His shirt lie in a heap at his feet. The scar looked ragged and ugly- very representative of the memory.

Speaking of Jayne, he entered (without knocking) and scared the wits out of the poor doctor. "Admiring yourself?" he mused.

"Jayne!" Simon snapped. "Don't do that." He reached for his shirt on the floor, feeling embarrassed and exposed. Jayne snatched the shirt from the floor deftly, so much in fact that Simon didn't know he had it until his own fingers grasped air that had been filled by shirt seconds ago. "Give me that," he demanded.

Jayne tossed it over his shoulder into the hallway and closed the door. "Let me see that thing," he demanded, and grabbed Simon's shoulders roughly. Simon did not protest because it would have been useless. Jayne's grip on him was firm and commanding. It clearly said 'Stay put'. "Musta hurt," he mused, mulling the injury over in his head.

"It did," Simon admitted. "A lot." _In many ways. _

Jayne leaned in close, noticing something he'd missed the first time he'd seen it. Simon tensed his shoulders. Jayne grabbed them tighter, forcing the muscles to relax. His breath brushed Simon's skin, making all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "Huh," Jayne said at last.

"What?" Simon whispered. For some reason, he couldn't find his usual voice.

"You were poisoned."

"I was what?" He spun around quickly, catching Jayne off guard. They met face to face, close enough to touch chins of their heads had angled just a few degrees. Or touch mouths.

"Poisoned," Jayne said, backing away just slightly. "You got another mark by the knife wound. Small, like a needle or a dart. Most likely a dart. Poison coated."

"Wh-what kind?" Simon asked. Anything to keep Jayne talking. If there was no conversation there would be… what?

"Now how in the hell would I know that?" Jayne asked reasonably. "You prob'ly absorbed it long time ago. But you ain't dead, so my guess is it weren't that bad."

"I guess." Simon held his breath, waiting. Waiting for something to happen because something was most definitely going to happen and he wasn't ready for it.

Jayne leaned back enough to pull his own shirt off and hand it to Simon. "Anyway, miss, came here to get some seam work done." He dropped his shirt into Simon's shaking hands. "Got a tear up the left side, was hoping you'd fix it."

"Sure." He couldn't think of anything else to say. He was still holding his breath and it wasn't until Jayne had gone that he breathed again.

* * *

It was late night on the ship. Mal passed Simon as he walked, nodding a brief acknowledgement that he had seen him. Simon looked distracted. Mal went on his way, unsure where he would end up. He just felt like walking is all. _Except you know Zoe walks these halls at night, isn't that right? She paces when she can't sleep and lately, she can't sleep. And you know that. _Mal frowned at his own inner monologue. Of course he knew that, but he wasn't looking for her. What, was it illegal now to go walking at night just because you knew someone else was doing it too? He'd seen Simon, hadn't he? Didn't mean he was looking for him. It wasn't that big a ship, so if he went for a late night walk around it he would most likely run into someone eventually. River was probably hanging from the ceiling trying to see if being upside down would make her mind make any more sense. In fact, he was willing to wager that he wouldn't even see Zoe because she usually went to the kitchen then made her way back to-

His eyes fell upon Zoe reading in the common room. _Oh my God it's Zoe, shut up!_ his mind screamed. He felt like a child hiding in the bushes, waiting for the latest prank victim to come 'round. His feet halted, and he stood blatantly and cumbersome in the doorway just looking at her. It took her a moment no look up.

"Hello?" he asked, inquiring of his odd expression.

"Evening," he said easily, gliding back into a normal rhythm. "What keeps you so late?"

"Just reading," she told him. Oddly enough, it was Moby Dick. "How about you?"

He shrugged, knowing anything he told her would be a lie. "Just up."

"I made coffee, you want any?"

"Now that ain't gonna help you sleep, is it?" He smiled at her, and she smiled back. It was nice to just be them again, without the weirdness. Maybe he wouldn't say anything.

Zoe smiled at him, though it was forced. They couldn't even hold a conversation anymore without it being littered with discomfort. Ignoring the issue hadn't made it go away. She was going to have to say something. "Mind if I have a word, Mal?"

Uh oh. There hadn't been a 'sir' in there, which meant it was personal. His first instinct was to run, tell her he was just thinking of heading off to bed. It'd be a lie and she'd know, but that would postpone it for at least another day or two. "Sure," he said. _Damn._

Zoe closed her book and leaned forward a bit. "Ignoring it isn't working," she said seriously.

"All right," he agreed, though uncomfortable in doing so. "What do you suggest, then?" _Oh please, suggest what I'm hoping for._

"I think we should kill ourselves."

Mal blinked once. Then again. Then a third time. "Come again?"

"It's become too much of a hassle. We can't even talk in a professional manner, let alone as friends. And we can't ignore it, so I think we ought to kill ourselves."

Oh, it was a _joke_… Whew. "Okay then, I agree. How should we do it?"

"Seppuku is dignified," she reasoned.

"Where we gonna find a samurai sword lying around?"

"Good point."

"And truth be told, Zoe, once I see your guts hanging out on the floor, I most likely ain't gonna take a knife to mine."

"What makes you think I'm going first?"

"Ah," he laughed, "so that's how it is?" This was pleasant, though morbid. "Maybe we can open the airlock and just jump out."

"Who's gonna close it behind us? We'd kill everyone."

"Good point."

They hashed over possibilities for a while, none of them seeming right. Suicide seemed not to be the answer for their conundrum "Maybe," Zoe said at last, "we can just laugh about it and move on?"

"You think so?"

"Maybe instead of ignoring it, we say 'Hey, it happened', then just let it go."

"That I think I can handle." He smiled shyly, and Zoe melted a bit. Damn that man was endearing sometimes, albeit a pain in the ass. "Permission to speak freely?" he asked sarcastically.

"Suppose I'll allow."

"Damn."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Damn what?"

"Damn you looked good earlier."

"Mm, from what I hear you picked it out."

"I did?" Mal tried to remember. Kaylee had asked him his opinion on what would make Zoe pretty. He'd picked blue. He'd been right. "Oh, right," he recalled. "I did. Kaylee asked me which color I thought would 'Make Zoe look pretty'. I said blue."

"It was nice." And here came the awkward again, creeping in. No, no, this wasn't awkward. It was uncomfortable. It was a different kind of uncomfortable than before. Zoe realized in some horror this was an impending kiss kind of uncomfortable. "Think I'm done reading for the night," she said hurriedly, dropping Moby Dick onto her chair as she stood up.

"Yeah, think I'll turn in, too. Got word on some work tomorrow, hopefully this'll pan out better than last time. It's been over a year, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. But we make do."

"Should've taken that weapons smuggle. Should have."

"No," she said sternly, getting all up in his personal space, "you shouldn't have. You were right to turn it down. I was mad at first because we need pay, but the Alliance would've been all over our tails with that cargo." She looked his straight in the eye, a tactic she knew always got him to listen to her (because honestly, her eyes were scary places when she was being serious). "You did what was right, Mal. Really."

"Yeah?" She was being sincere, so he decided maybe he had after all. "Just sick of feeling like a loser sometimes. Don't happen often, but when it does…"

"That's all right," she assured him, slinging an arm around his waist and herding him towards their collective quarters. "Who better to captain a renegade firefly?"

"No one," he said proudly, and smiled. Not a damn man alive. They walked toward the quarters like drunken friends, hanging on one another for stability. Mal shifted his footing every few steps to make them weave all over the hallways, and Zoe in turn slammed him into a few walls.

"We're almost there," she laughed crossly. "Would you knock it off? You're gonna knock me down the ladder."

"Nah, I won't," he assured her, sticking his foot out and making her trip. He caught her, which was nice of him. She punched him in the gut, which wasn't nice of her. He knew he deserved it, though, so he took his lumps quietly. "Oof," was all he said on the matter.

"Good night, sir," Zoe said, having gotten out her frustration by punching him. It was satisfying.

"Good night," Mal said, and pushed open the way to his bunk.

On the bridge, the ghost of Wash sighed defeatedly, grabbed Serenity's steering column and jerked it backward.

Mal flung backward into Zoe, slamming them both against the wall. She caught him because of well trained reactions. She kissed him because it was about damn time she did. He kissed back because you don't let a gorgeous woman kiss you and not reciprocate. That's just rude.

Hours later, they lay in bed together, sweaty and exhausted. (You know what happened, so I don't have to say.) Mal kissed Zoe's forehead despite the beads of sweat that lined it. "Well damn," he said, smiling faintly.

"Hmm?"

"Looks like Jayne and Simon won their bet."

* * *

Simon had been sleeping, oh yes. Been sleeping well, too. But as his dreams had started getting worthwhile (a pretty woman with a familiar name he couldn't place had just entered them) someone had come in and stabbed him fiercely. It had been Josh. As Simon lay on the cold ground, screaming and bleeding, his mind recalled what had happened that day. He'd been tossed out of the car. The driver must have been in on Josh's scheme because he didn't even slow down. He'd hit the pavement, tumbled a bit and came to a stop in the gutter. Something had started burning in his veins. Was he imagining it? No, there was burning most certainly. In his blood. In his brain. He started vomiting fiercely. A woman ran up to him, hoisted him to his feet and started pulling him somewhere. Couldn't she see he was dying? Why hadn't she let him go? All this related to Jayne somehow. The poison. The woman. Jayne. Why?

Simon woke up screaming as best he could with a weak voice. The room was cool and dark. Suddenly too cold and too lonesome. He pulled on yesterday's shirt and hurriedly left his bunk, still barefoot. The steel floors were ice against his feet but he had better things to worry about. He passed Mal in the hallways, briefly acknowledged him (hadn't he?) and made a beeline for Jayne's room. Jayne. Oh, hell. Jayne had been the name of the woman he had been about to sleep with in his dream. "Oh, what_ever_," Simon moaned. Tonight he hated his subconscious.

Jayne was not awake, because it was the middle of the night. Simon went down anyway and shove the merc hard. He knew Jayne was easy to wake up but he was still too shaken to be gentle. "Jayne," he said firmly.

The man's eyes snapped open. "Huh?" He sat up, instantly ready to fight. Sort of. Groggily. Well, he could have taken Simon and that was about it.

"It's Simon."

"What?" he snapped. "Was asleep in case you ain't aware."

"I-I need to ask you something." The tremble in his voice made Jayne wake up some.

Sighing wearily, Jayne sat up and made space for Simon beside him. "Okay," he said patiently, feeling anything but. "What the hell's the matter now?"

Simon climbed up on Jayne's bed, suddenly aware of how cold he was. "I had a dream about Josh."

"Come on, man, can't this wait?"

"And I remembered something about that day he stabbed me. When he pushed me out of the car, I got sick. I started throwing up, and everything burned. And there was a woman right there with me, helping me to my feet to get me to a hospital. Like she was waiting for me."

"Waiting?"

"Yeah. She just grabbed me and took me away. And I think about it, and that doesn't make sense. Especially not for where we were. People don't just help you like that. Everyone should have been afraid to touch me. Someone might have called a medic, yes, but they probably wouldn't have just helped like that. Unless she was a doctor…"

"_He chusheng zajiao de zanghuo!_" Jayne spat, startling Simon from his rant. "Felt like burning?"

"Everywhere. In my blood, my stomach, my brain. I started throwing up."

"Well, if I'm right and I'm pretty sure I am, you should be crazier'n your sister right about now."

Simon was puzzled. "I should?"

"What yer friend a yers gave you was the Crazy Stick."

"…I'm sorry, I don't follow."

"Crazy Stick. Basically, some illegal poison used by hired men and Alliance forces to make a man go moonier than River. Stick ya with the poison, in 'bout half an hour stuff literally burns the memories and sanity right outta ya. Lucky for you, you had a bad allergic reaction to it, puked it all outta yerself."

"But I didn't drink it."

"Don't matter. My guess it he stuck ya too close to the knife wound so it all bled out that way, and anything else left in ya was chucked out yer mouth." Jayne mulled it over some more. "Woman was probably working for yer friend. She was supposed to take you to a medic and get you put away in a loony bin. Weren't luck she was there."

Simon felt a bit like puking right now. At the very, very least, Josh had wanted him to live. That's what he got for nearly a decade of friendship. It was mind blowing to think that everything that had happened to him- getting River, finding Serenity, discovering Miranda- could have been stopped by just one inch to the right. If Josh had poisoned him where it wouldn't bleed out, if he hadn't had a bad reaction to it… it could all be over. Or never begun, more accurately.

"You all right, doc?"

"No."

"You ain't gonna cry, are ya?"

"No." He was serious, he wouldn't. He was too stunned at the moment. "Thank you, Jayne."

"For what?"

"I don't know… For not killing me when I woke you up."

"Ah, forget it." It had been bothering Jayne, though. Any other person would have gotten at least a fist to the jaw for that, Mal included. Jayne found he was a lot more patient with Simon that almost anyone else. Except Kaylee. That girl had a way with him most times. Played him like a cheap fiddle.

Simon leaned his head absently on Jayne's burly and uncovered shoulder. "I could be dead," he said flatly.

"Not dead. Just crazy."

"River could be dead. Mal could be. Everything could be so much worse if I had lost my mind."

"Well you didn't," Jayne said sharply, not at all liking how funny Simon was making him feel. "You made it and everyone else did and now things are as they are. Quit dwellin on the past, it's stupid."

"I know it's stupid but it scares me. Scares me how much I could have lost."

"You wouldn't have known any different."

"No," Simon admitted, laying down on Jayne's bed and resting his leg's over the merc's lap. "I wouldn't have. But I do now and _that_ scares me."

"I ain't a damn foot rest!" Jayne said impatiently, although he made no actions to remove Simon.

"Sorry," he said absently, instead tucking his cold feet under Jayne's leg. The merc sighed, irritated, but said nothing. "What a way to wake up, huh? Until then I'd been having a great dream about a woman."

"Kaylee?"

"No, not her. Much different. This woman was dark and mean and tough, but at the same time there was something undeniably appealing about her."

"Zoe?"

"No," Simon chuckled, "definitely not Zoe. Her name was-" He stopped, suddenly remembering. "I don't remember," he blushed, turning his face away.

Jayne didn't believe him. Didn't care much, either. But then it hit him. "Oh, no, was her name Jayne?"

"No," he lied timidly.

"Yes it was!" Jayne yelled. "Don't be giving my name to your fantasy women!"

"I didn't do it on purpose," he said defensively, still blushing.

"Well get it out of your head!" he demanded. "I ain't your dream woman."

"No," Simon agreed readily, "you're not."

Jayne pouted for a while, though over what he couldn't be sure. But there was pouting to be done. He looked down on Simon, who had taken over the better half of the bed and seemed quite content in doing so. Jayne scowled. "Get outta my bed," he said.

"Do I have to? It's warm in here."

"Yes, you _have_ to." He wormed his way in between Simon and the wall and shoved hard. Simon would have gone tumbling over the edge, but he knew immediately what Jayne was doing and grabbed hold of the man's waist before he was pushed. "Let go!" Jayne cried.

"No!" Simon retorted, laughing at how much like a child he felt. Jayne pushed again, this time kicking as well. Simon curled his knees up, striking Jayne in the lower back.

"Ow!" Jayne yelled, swinging a fist overhead to clock Simon with. He missed. "Get outta my bunk!"

"Make me!"

"I can!"

"Liar!"

This time when Jayne shoved against the wall, he took no precaution to keep himself on the bed. They both flew over the edge, Simon's ribs making a dissatisfied pop as Jayne landed on them.

"Ow!" Simon yelled, letting go of the man's waist. Jayne rolled off him triumphantly. Using his gentle surgeon's hands, Simon examined himself. He was okay, but Jayne was heavy and that'd hurt. That and the unexpected floor beneath him to stop the fall.

"Told you so," Jayne gloated.

"Yeah, yeah," Simon said miserably. "You're lucky you didn't break anything. I can't operate on myself."

"How does that make _me_ lucky?" In response, Simon jumped back on Jayne's bed with a speed the merc didn't know the doctor had in him. "Hey!" he yelled, startled. "Gerroff my bed."

"I win," Simon smiled triumphantly, laying himself comfortably on the small pillow. Wasn't that how the game was played? He and Herbert (before Josh, long, long before) had played this game hundreds of times. Last man standing. King of the mountain.

Jayne stood up and towered over Simon menacingly. He placed a hand on either side of Simon's shoulders and leaned in real close. "My bed," he said, his voice angrily playful. "No one wins here but me."

The ship took a sudden jerk, sending Jayne slamming into Simon in the most undignified way. His face collided with Simon's chest, and the familiar sharp pain of hitting his nose on something stung at his eyes. Serenity righted herself again quickly.

"What was that?" Simon asked, panicked.

"Nothing," Jayne said flatly, rubbing his face. "Gorramit."

"You okay?"

"I'm fine." He shoved Simon against the wall and sat himself onto his bed. Stupid medic and his taking over Jayne's bed. That'd really hurt. "Move over," he said irritably.

"I have nowhere to go." But he shifted onto his side, giving Jayne at least some kind of illusion of space. Jayne took up the space gladly.

"Will you get outta here?" he asked again, although this time not really meaning it.

"If you want me to." Simon was trying to figure out what that strange tone in Jayne's voice was. _Don't over analyze, Simon. It's probably nothing. _Jayne shrugged and said nothing. Simon thought it over a bit. In order to get past Jayne, he would have to literally climb over him. And as it was he seemed to be stuck right against the wall with hardly any room to breathe, let alone squirm his way out. But on the other hand, sleeping in here would be far too… what? Weird? Uncomfortable? _Desirable? _He scolded himself for that last comment.

Jayne rolled over and faced Simon, their faces terribly close. "You got four seconds to stop making me think like that," he said dangerously.

"Huh?" Simon asked, startled in every possible way. "Like what?"

"Four…three…two…"

"Wait, what'd I-"

"One. Oh, hell," Jayne cursed, then kissed the damn doctor.

Simon pulled back immediately, knocking his head against the wall behind him. "Ouch," was the best he could come up with.

"I warned you," Jayne told him, glaring.

"Warned? No you didn't, not for _that_!"

"How much did you need?" His eyes were stony and cruel.

Simon watched his words carefully since he couldn't run from Jayne if he said the wrong thing. "I don't know… maybe… I don't know." _A nice warning like 'I'm going to kiss you now and completely blow your mind' would have been great. _But he couldn't bring himself to say that.

"What the hell did you do to me, doc?" Jayne asked, almost angrily. "I ain't never kissed a man in all my life, and now here you are, in my damn bed and I been thinking about not much else for days."

"I don't know," Simon said apologetically. "I didn't do anything."

"The hell you didn't."

"Hey," Simon said bravely, "I'm not the one who wanted to sleep with me naked, remember? That was your idea."

"That was survival training, that's different."

"I fail to see how." He smirked triumphantly. Jayne glared back.

"I hate you," Jayne said after a tense moment.

Simon lifted himself up onto his elbow. He looked down at Jayne, who was looking right back. "I don't believe you," he decided.

"You better. Want me to prove it?"

"Yes," he challenged.

Jayne readied himself to knock Simon out. Instead, he kissed him again. _Damn,_ he cursed to himself. _Hate that part of me being the dominating part._ The Decision Maker, Jayne had often called it. This time, Simon kissed back. If only to prove that he had been right.

_This ain't so bad,_ Jayne realized. _Not even half bad._ Was confusing as hell, but not bad per se. Suddenly he started laughing, and broke apart the kiss.

"What?" Simon asked, a little paranoid.

"Was just thinking," he mused. "Bet shoulda been on us."

* * *

Four days later, Kaylee and River were sitting in the common room playing Go Fish with seven decks of stolen cards.

"What color dress will Kaylee get?" River asked, handing over a three of clubs.

"I think green," Kaylee said, pairing River's three of clubs with another just like it and placing it on the table. "Like emeralds. How do your fingernails look?"

River admired them. Kaylee had painted them the other day, and they still looked beautiful because dishwater hadn't ruined them. "Pretty," she decided.

"Got a seven?"

"Go fish. What did Kaylee ask Mal and Zoe for, anyway?"

Kaylee grabbed a nine from the fish pond. "A kitten."

River nodded. "Queen?"

Kaylee handed over a queen. "What about you? What are you getting?"

River smiled broadly, placing two queens onto the playing table. "More men on crew. Kaylee and River are left out."

THE END


End file.
